4 Simple Steps to Manifestation

With the recent shift in awareness many of us are becoming conscious of our dormant capacity to manifest our desires and achieve our goals. Many refer to this phenomenon as working with the universe, the law of attraction, or being the creator of your destiny. Regardless of how we look at it most of us now realize that we can make things happen, however we may wonder exactly how to do this; what exactly are the steps; does it work every time?

Through my own experience and, all the work I have done, and books that I have read I have outlined below four simple steps to manifest what you want providing that it is in alignment with what is best for you. This means that although you are very clear on what you want to manifest, you will ultimately get it through detachment to the result and truly being okay with or without it.

Step One – Name what you want

Most of us want something in life, be it more money, power, luxury, relationships, a healthy body, successful career, ideal weight and so on. We desire that which we do not have or do not have enough of. It is important to be as specific as you possibly can when describing what you want; so if you want a specific client write down 10 traits of your ideal customer. If you want to be financially rich ask yourself what that looks like? How much money would make you rich and where should that money come from? It also helps to know why you want it; will it help you to be happier/ content/ healthier etc? Please do bear in mind that we all have choice and free-will, so if you name a specific person you could be infringing on their right to choose. It is best not to attach a particular form to your desire, instead focus on all the traits you want to see in that person.

Remember if you can’t name it, you can’t have it!

Step Two – Discover your blockages

Coming from the premise that everything is energy or vibration and the vibration of one thing impacts another, the only reason why you do not have what you want is because you have certain beliefs that prevent you from getting it. These beliefs propel you to be the complete opposite of who you need to be in order to obtain your goal. For example, if your goal is to have a loving relationship, the underlying belief may be ‘ I don’t deserve to be loved’ – this belief may be so subtle that it goes unnoticed, yet it is something you have felt for a long time and keeps cropping up.

You can identify your beliefs by writing down why you think you don’t have what you want. When you are aware of your negative beliefs, make a commitment to eradicate it. This can be achieved by focusing on it, feeling the toxicity of the emotion in your body, and keep exhaling out the emotional charge as if you are blowing air into a balloon. Keep doing this on a daily basis until you feel no emotions attached to the negative belief.

Step Three: Believe you can have it

For anything to materialize someone needs to believe that it is possible; your thoughts need to be in alignment with your desire. Many times we may know that we want something, and at the same time we are scared we won’t be able to handle it if we receive it. When you have eradicated your negative beliefs, it is time to strengthen the positive and match your thoughts with your desires.

Write down at least 10 reasons why you believe you can have your particular goal. It could be because you have done something similar before; or because you have all the skills and qualifications needed to achieve it; or because you know others have done it so you can too; or because you believe that things have always come easily to you. As you are writing this, you are telling yourself and the universe that you are ready and open to receiving it.

Finally close your eyes, imagine that you have manifested what you want, and focus on what that feels like. It is important to keep focusing on the emotions that you would feel once you have achieved it, and experience the same contentment, peace, joy, happiness, excitement or anything else. The subconscious mind does not know the difference between physical reality or creative visualization, so in your visualization you are planting memories in your subconscious that lay the foundation for success.

Step Four: Let it go

If you have ever held sand in the palm of your hand and squeezed it, you would see that it spills. Similarly if we hold onto our desires and goals with attachment, we are creating the negative vibration of fear and decreasing the possibility of getting what you want. This is one of the most crucial steps of manifestation – and probably the one that is most overlooked. Once you know why you believe you will have that goal, surrender it totally and completely to the universe with confidence. Carry on with your life with the positive emotions, and be fine with or without this goal. It may sound strange, but what you are doing is taking away any residual negative belief, fear or greed associated with the desire. Once you truly let go and feel good about yourself ….. Watch the universe perform its magic! ☺

Manifestation is rooted in our thoughts, words, behavior and actions. Try the formula above and I would love to hear about your results.

By Sonia Samtani
Personal Development Practitioner
Sonia Samtani Consulting

One blog post is not going to be a cure all for any dilemma; however it can be a great help.

Recently I have been up skilling as a change agent/ Coach and I seem to have attracted a run of clients experiencing relationship challenges.

There are some common themes occurring which have inspired me to share some strategies to help make the complex more simple.

For a relationship to prosper there needs to be 3 pillars underpinning the relationship, creating the foundation that you build onto, if you are experiencing challenges in your relationship, you can identify from these three pillars, where the challenges are coming from and what aspect of your relationship requires tweaking:

1.  Effective communication - this is where people fall over the most - we must learn what language we speak in and what language our partner speaks in so that we interpret and translate the right messages.  People are complex processing machines and emotions often confuse the data or facts.  Values are different for different people and understand how to articulate what is important to you, how you have perceived something and where your limits and boundaries are will all impact your outcomes.  What says love to one person doesn’t necessarily translate to love for the next person.  We speak in different love languages and value languages.  Some of us have become accustomed to being defensive and blaming assuming everything else is to blame and others of us know how to accept responsibility for our actions and thoughts and words.  Fighting is the most unsuccessful form of communicating.  It is about caring only about being heard and making the other person wrong.  As opposed to understanding exactly what each others perspective is acknowledging you understand it, feeling as though you have been fully understand and working toward getting onto the same page as a team.  Emotion often flares up and blows the facts around into such a mess you both get lost in it all.

2.  Trust – when present is the strongest binding relationship glue.  Trust breaks down easily if communication isn't honest and open and flowing and appreciated or encouraged and rewarded.  We can earn trust and we can lose trust, it doesn't come free.  Once trust is broken repairing it is close to impossible, close to impossible.  Sometimes if you repair broken trust, it can move into an even stronger state then before it was broken.  This takes commitment and communication.

3.  Commitment - Equal and unwavering commitment to the relationship and what you are both working toward.  Have a vision for what your future together looks like.  Share common goals so that what you are working on is for a stimulating reason and not just clocking in and clocking out of a routine that will become dull and predictable and very tested once kids arrive.  Have exciting plans for how you want your life to look in 12 months, 3years and 10 years from now.  Otherwise, you can get bored, start to resent each other and start growing in 2 different directions.  This is where we start looking for cliché ways to spice up our life because we failed to stay involved in things that we are passionate about, stimulating our sense of passion so we start looking for easy fix things external from ourselves to give us that sense of passion.  Set passionate goals and vision statements with your partner and keep them alive and refreshed.

There are 4 stages in a relationship: You will be in one of these

1.  Denial - In the beginning stages we ignore signs and differences.  It's new and exciting and too early to tell.

2.  Reality hits - admit things you don't like about the other person and you try to change them.  This is the stage where most relationships end or go pear shaped 

3.  Acceptance - we realise and have peace with the fact that we can't change people or some aspects of people and nor is our business to make people change as a condition of our love.  Maybe if you need to change someone so much, it might just mean, you’re not well matched.  You’re trying to shove a round peg into a square hole.  Accepting someone is a loving peaceful feeling as is being accepted by some one.  This does not mean we should accept bad behaviour.  Remember the golden rule, we teach people how to treat us.  If your partner’s behaviour is unacceptable to you, it is a sign that your limits and boundaries have been crossed or your value systems are not aligned.  Values like respect, honor, integrity, honesty, loyalty, generosity etc.

4.  Celebrate your differences

 

Do my beliefs determine my wealth?

by Kate on Saturday, November 6th, 2010 | 4 Comments

As I recently surveyed past clients who achieved extraordinary success on my coaching programme, I started to observe at interesting correlation. The clients who had a secure and definite belief structure maintained and experienced more wealth and better health.

In fact, it didn’t matter what belief structure was prominent; i.e. they may have believed in strict Christianity, Buddhism, Yoda, the Law of Attraction, the Secret… The underlying premise being that they were not in control, that there is something bigger – a greater organised design, an infinite power or divine plan.

For me, I had always linked religion with spirituality and saw no connection between beliefs and business. So as a business coach, I kept strictly to the business side of accountability – with experience I can see how naïve I was and how intertwined our core values are when we want to achieve joy in our lives.

Just like when I discovered my most successful clients ran every day, I started running, my expectation increased and so discuss my results. Since beginning to open up to observing others beliefs, I too have started to decide for myself what works and what doesn’t work and have found more joy and peace in the work that I do. My latest workshops “Smiles”, “Bliss”, “Freedom” and “Peace” are all a result of this and gave me a clear path to discover for myself my individual secrets to my success. A powerful tool for moving from RICH to WEALTHY. I encourage you to invest some time in observing others that have inner contentment and share with us their secrets to success. If they are like my clients, they will have a solid belief structure in their lives and will have surrendered control.

5 Tips to make your weight loss goal a reality

Mat Skate

Now that you have established your GREAT weight loss goal as detailed in my last blog you must be feeling very excited and waiting for that specific date that you have set yourself when you will become your ideal weight. So, all you need to do is sit back and watch your body transform…. Right? If only it was that easy. Ask yourself, if it was that easy would you feel the same level of satisfaction after achieving your goal weight? I’m not going to proclaim that reaching and maintaining your ideal weight will be easy. Let’s face it, if it was easy you would be your ideal weight right now. What I will suggest, is there will be times where you will be challenged. There will be times when it will seem hard. There may also be times when those little voices in your head tell you to throw it all in because it’s not worth it.

If you are serious about achieving your weight loss goal here are 5 key tips to assist you to remaining accountable to the goal you have set for yourself.

1. Tell all your friends about your goal. And I mean ALL of your friends. This includes family members, Facebook friends, and even people that you meet for the first time. Why? Who would you be accountable to if your goal was to lose 20 kg in one year and didn’t tell anybody? One person, yourself. If you told your friends and family what your goal was and how committed you are to losing the weight would this make you more accountable? Absolutely. Nobody likes to fail, by telling everyone about your goal you will not only get support from them, but you will also have a much higher level of accountability. Want to take it one step higher, suggest some ways and options that your family and friends can assist you to remain accountable (such as exercising together and preparing healthy food together).
2. 
   
3. Be your ideal weight now. when you go to bed each night, put on some relaxing soft music. this music should inspire you and help you drift off to sleep. Now, this is the important part, whilst you are listening, close your eyes and take yourself into the future and step right into your goal, so that you are looking through your own eyes in your new beautiful body. Whilst you are there, emphasise all the positive feelings that you have associated with being your ideal weight. Highlight all the feelings, sounds, and sites that you will be associated with in your future self. Make this picture as compelling as you can. Turn and look back towards the past and notice that everything that has to happen in order for you to achieve your goal is starting to unfold and change. Discuss to yourself all the positive affirmations that you are prepared to undertake. Become crystal clear on the type of healthy foods it will require for you to reach your goal. set and intention on what kind of exercise regime you are prepared to commit to. This is guided visualisation should only take around 5 to 10 min. If you are serious about achieving your goal then do this EVERY night.
4. 
   
5. Place your goal everywhere. When you have written your goal, place it up in key locations in your house and at work. One of the quickest ways to make your goal unsuccessful, is to write it, then file it. If you have a picture of yourself, perhaps when you were younger at your ideal weight, then add that photo to your goal page. I often suggest people place their goal page somewhere where they can see it as soon as they wake up in the morning, I then suggest they read it, and set an intention for the day that will help them get closer to their goal. You should be reading your goal a minimum of twice a day (when you get up and before you go to bed). Other great places to put your goal up are on the fridge, the pantry, the bathroom mirror, and on the TV cabinet.
6. 
   
7. Have fun. have fun and enjoy the ride. Achieving your goal should not be a chore. When it comes to weight loss, I would suggest that it is the most rewarding feeling of achieving something that you have set out to do and remained accountable every step of the way. If you want to make your weight loss journey one of the most profound experiences of your life then you need to enjoy the process. enjoy the experiences of eating whole nutritious foods. Enjoy the benefits that a healthy exercise will give you (not only weight loss benefits, but also fantastic health and well-being benefits). And most importantly, enjoy and love the person that you are becoming.
8. 
   
9. Take action. It’s all well and good having goals and telling yourself that you would love to lose 20 kg in one year. The reality is, taking action is the only thing that will provide you with forward momentum towards achieving your goal. Super tip number 5 is the only way to become accountable. Without action, tips 1 to 4 will only be thoughts. Set intentions. How? Every morning when you wake up, sets intentions for the day. Perhaps you will choose that all the food that you choose to eat that day will have a positive impact on your health. In the evening before you go to bed set an intention to get up at 6 AM and exercise for 30 or 40 min. Setting intentions will lead to action and therefore model your behaviour that will inevitably assist you to achieve your goal.

Accountability is the key. You choose the foods you put in your mouth. You choose if you exercise or not. Nobody else is responsible for achieving results except yourself. Habits are formed in around 21 to 30 days. Following the five steps above will help you form positive habits and behaviours towards your weight loss goals.

Mat Skate

Weight to Life Coaching and Fitness

Weight Loss coach and Personal Trainer

www.weighttolife.com.au

Live Life at 100%

May 15, 2011

Sharing some Brian Tracy, one of my favorite Life Success Coaches

Make Your Life a Masterpiece

By Brian Tracy

This is the age of achievement. Never have more people accomplished more things in more different fields than they are accomplishing today. More people are becoming successful at a faster rate than at any other time in history. There have never been more opportunities for you to turn your dreams into realities than there are right now. 

The Seven Ingredients of Success

Your ideal life is a blending these seven ingredients in exactly the combination that makes you the happiest at any particular moment. By defining your success and happiness in terms of one or more of these seven ingredients, you create a clear target to aim it. You can then measure how well you're doing. You can identify the areas where you need to make changes if you want your life to improve. 

Peace of Mind

The first of these seven ingredients of success, and easily the most important, is peace of mind. It is the highest human good. Without it, nothing else has much value. In corporations, peace of mind can be measured in terms of the amount of harmony that exists among coworkers. The wonderful truth about peace of mind is that it is your normal natural condition. It is the basic precondition for enjoying everything else. 

Health and Energy

The second ingredient of success is health and energy. Just as peace of mind is your normal and natural mental state, health and energy is your normal and natural physical state. If you achieve all kinds of things in the material world, but lose your health then you will get little or no pleasure from your other accomplishments. So imagine yourself enjoying perfect health, and think of how you would be if you were your ideal image of physical fitness. Then strive for your mental goal of fitness and health. 

Loving Relationships

The third ingredient of success is loving relationships. These are relationships with the people you love and care about, and the people who love and care about you. They are the real measure of how well you are doing as a human being. At almost any time, you can measure how well you are doing in your relationship by one simple test: laughter. This is true for companies as well. High-performance, high profit organizations are those in which people laugh and joke together. Examine your relationships, one by one, and develop a plan to make each of them enjoyable and satisfying. 

Financial Freedom

The fourth ingredient of success is financial freedom. Achieving your financial freedom is one of the most important goals and responsibilities of your life. A feeling of freedom is essential to the achievement of any other important goal, and you cannot be free until and unless you have enough money so that you are no longer preoccupied with it. When you decide exactly what you want your financial picture to look like, you will be able to use this system to achieve your goals faster than you might have imagined possible.

Worthy Goals and Ideals

The fifth ingredient of success is worthy goals and ideals. To be truly happy, you need a clear sense of direction. You need to feel that your life stands for something, that you are somehow making a valuable contribution to your world. 

Self Knowledge and Self-Awareness

The sixth ingredient of success is self-knowledge and self-awareness. To perform at your best you need to know who you are and why you think and feel the way you do. It is only when you understand and accept yourself that you can begin moving forward in other areas of your life. 

Personal Fulfillment 

The seventh ingredient of success is personal fulfillment. This is the feeling that you are becoming everything that you are capable of becoming. It is the sure knowledge that you are moving toward the realization of your full potential as a human being. 

Action Exercise

Take the brush of your imagination and begin painting a masterpiece on the canvas of your life. It is for you to decide clearly what would make you the happiest in everything you are doing. 

You Can Eliminate Scarcity Thinking

(c) 2008 Laurie J. Brenner

Beliefs Are Like Ice burgs

Most of our beliefs lie beneath our surface within our subconscious minds.

Money, Beliefs and Belief Busters

Is the Law of Attraction not working for you? Maybe it's because you think that there is not enough to go around or that you're not good enough or that others always seem to get what you want.

Honestly, I've thought these same things myself. And it's beliefs and thoughts like these that work against us and help to sabotage whatever positive work we're doing. The Law of Attraction works whether you believe it can or not. And it's powered by your most prevalent thoughts.

For most of us, our most prevalent thoughts occur without us ever being aware of them. They come from our subconscious where all of our beliefs have been stored, waiting to be called upon, and used as needed.

Our belief systems are formed by the personal world in which we live; the country in which we are born, the social groups we belong to, the spiritual doctrines to which we adhere, the science we subscribe to, our experiences and relationships with parents, lovers, family, friends and sometimes even strangers, and the level to which we interact with that which is unseen, or the mysteries of the unknown realms - the Source.

All of our experiences get locked away in our subconscious along with our reptilian brain and strung together in a convoluted mass that comes out when needed, most especially when we feel threatened in some way, perceived or real. Ever heard the term pushing my buttons? Those buttons are connected to long-term held beliefs and belief systems. The old method of dealing with this was to remove the buttons. While that may work for some, it is much better to remove the beliefs behind the buttons.

Once you remove your limited beliefs you can replace them with unlimited beliefs that align with your dreams and desires. Some examples of unlimited beliefs are

• I'm not lucky
• I won't get that job
• No-one will ever read what I've written
• Mary won't date me
• Bill won't date me
• I'm not good enough
• I don't make enough money
• I always get sick at this time of the year

Start listening to your own speech, you will find your limiting beliefs begin with such statements as I can't, I'm not, I have to, it's impossible to. You'll be surprised how much of your conversation stems from your limiting beliefs. And you wonder why the Law of Attraction isn't working in your life? It is - it's bringing to you what you primarily focus on whether you're aware of it or not.

Now that's a fine howdy-do. I bet you're asking - well if I don't know what these beliefs are and they're popping up whether I'm aware of it or not, how am I to ever know what's going on?

Your first clue is to listen to your feelings. How do you feel? Do you feel crappy? That's a clue.

One way to attune to your desires is to notice how you feel and change so that you're happy, watch a movie, a comedy, listen to a song you like, call your friend, do something that makes you feel good.

All of these things will work - but it will only change your feelings - not your subconscious beliefs. Changing your subconscious beliefs take work from you. Work and commitment. Some ways to do that are:

• Use positive affirmations
• Develop a daily gratitude list
• Quit listening to things that create negative thinking in your life
• Meditate
• Find a Life Coach
• Use Neural Linguistic Programming (NLP)
• Use the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)

• Learn to Let Go and Let God

What works for you may not work for someone else. But finding what works for you and then practicing it can free up your subconscious from limiting beliefs that once served you, but now no longer do.

The truth of the matter is - it's your journey and you can do what you want. But wouldn't life be so much better if you were free of the beliefs that keep you from really succeeding at what you want in life?

The 6 basic human needs

November 12th, 2010 // 11:42 pm @ Chuck 

Been listening to a lot of Tony Robbins lately and his talk on “The 6 basic human needs” really struck me, mostly because it just makes sense in so many respects. I wish some of THIS stuff was taught in school… anyways, let me half reflect and half share these interesting theories with you.

1. Certainty

All human beings crave a certain level of safety, assurance and predictability in our lives, for this is the foundation of our most basic behavior: survival. When things are VERY uncertain, we tend to be freaked out! Which causes us to reach for different vehicles of comfort such as friends/family, television, or alcohol. And once we’re at a level where we feel certain there are no more dangers, we can relax and actually focus on the other needs. So this is one spectrum where the need for certainty is entirely UNMET, hence causing nerve-wrecking stress and pain.

But there’s also the other end of the spectrum, where the need for certainty is entirely MET. Think about it, would you want to watch a basketball game if you already knew the score and everything that was going to happen in that game? Probably not, because that’s just freaking boring. Now everyone require different levels of certainty in their lives, for example my own need for certainty is very LOW compared to other. So if things get too predictable, I get BORED. Hence the reason why myself and many others like me seek our next need, which is in directly conflict with our first need.

2. Uncertainty

Another word for uncertainty is variety. We all need a change of scenery every now and then, watch a new movie, travel to a new country. For this is what makes life exciting because we DON’T know what to expect, but the uncertainty level is still tolerable enough that we know in the end the variety will bring us pleasure. Too much uncertainty will bring us fear, while not enough will cause boredom. So really the first two needs are pieces of the same pie, if my need for uncertainty is at 70%, then my need for certainty will only be at 30%.

3. Significance

Deep down, we all need to feel that we are important, unique, and special, and this can be manifested in many ways. One vehicle for people is by becoming high achiever, because having those distinctions makes people feel important. But along the need for importance, a poor vehicle some people use is by putting down other, for that makes them feel like they are better than another. Another popular vehicle is acting/dressing in a eccentric way, many people take pride in being different and unique for that’s what fulfills their need for significance. BUT if we strive for TOO much significance and uniqueness, we end up totally different than everyone else which violates our very next need.

4. Connection

We all strive for a level of connection with our peers, whether that be in terms of a friendship or intimate relationship. The core of all human connections are based on similarities or sameness with one another, but if we are too busy being significant we rarely feel connected or similar to someone else. Hence again, the need for significance and connection are sharing the same piece of the pie. If we our need for connection is NOT being met, we feel alone and disjointed from people. But if it’s met entirely, we no longer feel different or unique from other, hence losing our own identity and violating our need for significance.

5. Growth

Everything is either growing or dieing, there’s no in between. And human beings are no exception, we must feel like we are constantly growing in our lives. Many people’s goal is to reach a certain financial target, or style of life, but when they get there, they become stagnant. While others might envy what these people have or achieve, they themselves are unhappy because their not growing anymore. They’ve reached the plateau, and there are no more mountains to climb. But we all NEED something to strive for, something that’ll challenge us to grow and take our lives to the next level.

6. Contribution

Aside from ourselves, we all desire to make a difference and contribute to the greater good. In essence, Philanthropy is a universal need for everyone, it DOESN’T depend on the person, for everything must serve a purpose in the big ecosystem. So we as human beings all have a deep desire to contribute outside of ourselves, whether that’s manifested in the friendship circle, community, society, or country as a whole.

Great theory! Now what?

Well, becoming aware of these needs is the first step in our attempt to meet them. Awareness of these concepts alone will takes you out of the hypnosis of the daily grind, and really force you to evaluate your OWN needs. It’ll also help you understand why you do certain things so naturally, because it obviously fulfills many of your basic needs. What’s even more interesting is everyone will have different level of needs that they are comfortable with. Now does that make one or more of us right or wrong? Certainly not, because our level of needs are shaped by our own nature, life experiences, and circle. But like all things in life, what we need to do is find that perfect BALANCE between these conflicting needs, for THAT’S where true success and fulfillment lies.

by Roslyn Loxton 11 May 2011

Relationships – Keeping it simple 

Label accurately -  Speak the same language

Articulate and Translate - what are you making that mean

After interviewing couples that have been married for 50 years or more, the common denominator in their marriages lasting is COMMUNICATION.

Communication is more then what many people think it is.  Communication requires skills that are not taught in our mainstream education process.  In fact we tend to pick up some bad communication habits along the way.

What I am realizing more and more is that when people in relationships have challenges with their bond/partnership they are so often unable to articulate themselves clearly, people stop hearing each others real meaning.  Communication skills are letting them down.  This can be just a little thing or it can lead to ugly costly divorce.  Costs are financial, physical, emotional and spiritual.

How do you put things into the right words, do you really hear your partners message or just the words, or maybe just the emotion behind the words, do they really hear and understand your communication?  Active listening is hearing what isn’t being said as well as what is being said.

How do you really articulate how you are feeling, what you are thinking and why certain things matter to you?

Look below the surface.  Look beyond the behavior itself.  Leaving socks on the floor is behavior.  Our behavior is only a small part of what makes us tick, underneath our behavior is a huge collections of things that drive our behavior.  Emotions, beliefs, values, self identity.  When we focus on behavior only, we may be limiting our focus to the problem only and limit our focus from stretching toward solution or ideal outcomes.  What we focus on grows.

Here are a few tips on going beyond the surface layer, beyond the behavior.  

Ask a lot of whys and be able to hear what isn’t being said by what is being said.  This is a deep listening skill that most people simply do not possess.  This is why having a professional communicator (coach or counselor) to assist you to articulate, translate and identify what isn’t being said will get you to a place of clarity quicker and with less emotional costs.

Tip:  Never make anything about blame.  How can I make you wrong?  I just want you to be wrong!  Instead, make everything about reaching an ideal solution.

Be humble and be supportive.  Two cute little words, with massive implications.

Be happy to say, I made a mistake or I misunderstood because, ego and pride can just be big concrete roadblocks that get in the way of love and ideal outcomes.

1. Name the emotion.  eg Frustrated or Sad or Anger or Jealous or Disappointed or Offended
2. Break that down further eg 
1. Why is that emotion what I feel? eg, I feel misunderstood and neglected that’s why I’m sad
3. What exactly was I expecting instead of what happened?
4. Why did I have that expectation?
5. What actually happened and what are you making that mean?
6. What is our current situation?
7. What is our ideal situation?
8. What is in the gap anchoring us from moving forward and reaching our ideal situation?
9. What are some actions we can take to start letting go of the anchors?
10. How important is this end goal, this ideal outcome for me to achieve out of 10?

Label clearly (lunch or ham and cheese sandwiches)

Saying you are angry is a start and it is like saying you are sick or saying you feel bad.  This description is too general and gives no indication of what caused the feeling or what the necessary solution could be.  It is like saying, “I want a vehicle” there is not enough specific information about what type of vehicle or what it needs to be used for.  

Translate Accurately (what exactly do you mean?)

Often people translate incorrectly.  

Eg. Person A actually says, “You’re smart with crosswords” and means, “you’re clever, I really admire you”.  

Person B actually hears, “You’re not really very good at anything other then crosswords”. 

TIP for Translating:  Ask; is this what you meant by saying that?  Or Just so I am clear, what exactly are you making that mean?

The 90% below the water or surface level:  Expectations, our filters, values systems, belief systems, self identity, profile, love language, past experiences, fears, hopes, limits and boundaries are all playing a part in what drives our behavior.  

Example  

You might have an itch on your leg. (This represents what you see in the 10% above the water level - behaviour) 

Why do you have an itch? 

Because Mozzies keep bighting you right.  You thought you killed them all???  

Why does this keep happening, why do I keep getting bitten?

What you haven’t seen, there is a bucket of stagnant water hidden under a tree way down the back yard breeding mozzies (this represents the 90% hiding under the water surface - what drives our behaviour)  

We don’t see the bucket breeding mozzies because we are too busy operating up in the 10% area, reacting to mozzies.

You can keep scratching your leg and putting creams on it, but until you clear away that bucket of breeding mozzies from way down the back yard, the itch will continue to occur and maybe even spread to other parts of your body and start leaving scares and effecting other people/kids/family etc sharing your mozzie filled world.

Understand

What you expect from a marriage/relationship, the functionality.

What you expect to give and give up

What are your individual driving values?

What are your top priorities?

What are your limits and boundaries?

What are you individual and shared goals?

The seven deadly habits are criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing, and bribing.

The seven caring habits include supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting, and negotiating your differences.

For Personalised Couples Coaching Contact Me Us Them ros@meusthem.com.au  www.meusthem.com.au

« You are Not the Victim of your Emotions.

You Project Your Own Reality

May 9, 2011
by: Alison Skate - Personnel Development Solutions

Our Reality is Projected from Within Ourselves

I’m having a timely reminder that people who do not want to change will not get the results they want if they are any different to the ones they have right now.

There is no guarantee that change will bring happiness to someone who doesn’t have it – but I can guarantee that change is needed.  Without change, an unhappy person is condemned to a life of unhappiness.  Unfortunately, there is occassionally a pay-off for misery, like sympathy, assistance from others that enables the unhappy to stay in a static existence of sadness and disempowerment, and extra attention from others out of concern.  Choosing to feel grateful, joyful and hopeful may result in all of that attention and support disappearing.

Carl Jung (psychologist & sociologist from the early to mid 20th century) says that what we project, what we see, is really a reflection of who we are.  If we look around and see all things joyful, things to celebrate, things worthy of laughter, that is because we have joy, happiness and laughter within us.  If we see misery, a lack of love, and judgement, that is because we feel miserable, unloved/unlovable and are either judging others or ourselves.

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (author of Flow) teaches that we have 2million bits of information presented to our senses at any moment in time.  If we were to pay attention to every bit of information we receive we would have a sensory meltdown! So we filter, distort and delete from those 2million bits of information through our internal filters so that we are only aware of 7 (plus or minus 2) ‘chunks’ of information at a time (about 156 ‘bits’).  What we choose to pay attention to, is what becomes our experience of the world.

There is a simple experiment which demonstrates that this is true.  Click on the link below and follow the instructions – count the number of times the people in white shirts pass the basketball to other players in white shirts.

http://youtu.be/vJG698U2Mvo

What did you pay attention to?  What did you notice?  What didn’t you notice?  If you’ve watched this clip (under two minutes short) you’ll understand that you delete, distort and filter information from your consciousness.  Your reality was shaped by your focus and attention.

So what does this mean?  It means that you create your reality with your thoughts and your focus.  No one controls your thoughts except you.  Therefore you create your own reality.  If you are thinking “If I could only find someone to love me, then I’ll be happy”, or “If I can only get a bit of money, then I’ll feel happy”, or ”If I can only lose some weight, then I’ll feel happy” you are putting the responsibility for your reality (and therefore, your happiness) outside of yourself.  In actuality, no one has the power to make you feel happy/loved/worthy – you need to choose to interpret the world in a way that supports your desired outcome in order to achieve the results you would like.

I know that I can choose to feel sympathy and a desire to help when someone I love is creating a negative reality in their life - but nothing I do/say/give will help that person to change their reality unless they are willing to change their thoughts, their focus and their attention.

Modern life, with its technological advances and abundance of wealth is one of leisure and peace of mind. Right? Hrm. Well, no. We're busier than ever. Hold on. I got a text message... Ok. Where was I? Right. Distracted as ever. And, perhaps, more scatterbrained than ever. We're bombarded by extraneous stimuli at every turn. One sec. I have to take this call. Ok, I'm back. How do we cut through the noise? How can we filter the important from the trivial? And how can we regain focus and centeredness amidst the frenzy? This is what I... Sorry. A friend just Skyped me a viral video of a pair of twin toddlers baby-talking to one another. Cute. Anyway, this is what I explored in yesterday's blog post

The Scattered Mind: Finding Focus in a World of Distractions
by Mark Sisson

Scenario time. You’re in the grocery store picking up the last couple of things for dinner. Pushing your cart through the small throng who also stopped on their way home from work, you weave your way through with the obligatory, alternating “excuse me” and “pardon me.” You fumble through your pocket for the list you’d scribbled last minute on a post-it. Hmmm… good sale on chicken thighs. The familiar ding of a text notification goes off with your partner’s reminder of one more thing needed from the store – spinach. You reach over and grab the onion you were looking for and go in search of the garlic. Annoying music over the speakers. Better check work email one more time. “Ooops. Sorry about that,” you remark after bumping someone’s cart. The person grimaces at you with a passive aggressive nod. Thanks. There’s the email response you were waiting for. Great, another meeting on the same issue. You’ll have to gather materials to email tomorrow for everyone. What else was on the list? Don’t forget to wash the whites tonight. There’s the garlic. Why is it necessary to waste more time on that project? Tonight is the night to fix the shutters. After dinner. No, after the kids are in bed. Man, that was a mother of a wind storm last week. It would be nice to have a free night for once. That Netflix movie has been sitting there for how many weeks? Maybe just cancel the service. Why bother? Checkout. Long line. Geez, that person has how many bags of Cheetos? Any good magazines while I stand here? Celebrity baby bumps – who cares? Next in line finally. Hmmm… didn’t know she was pregnant. Wait, the d–n spinach! Groan.

Anyone here identify? Hands? Yes, these days it’s hard to find anyone who’s not busy. Whether we’re young or old, single or married, parents or not, there’s plenty to juggle.Modern life, for all its many “conveniences,” has done little to alter the bottom line on the day’s schedule. Nonetheless, there’s a decided difference between the person who’s occupied with a task and one who’s chronically preoccupied in the midst of their obligations. Two peoples’ calendars might look the same, but their respective experiences can differ as much as night and day.

How many of us go through the day scattered, easily distracted by the extraneous details of our settings, overwrought by the mental chatter playing in our minds. In the immediate moment, we compromise job or relationship performance. We forget things. We make mistakes and have to take more time redoing whatever it is we messed up (like the shopping list). Our kids, partner, or friends clearly see we’re not “all there.” (So much for affirming those connections today.) We’re left, finally, with that burned out, fried, hollowed out, jangly feeling – you know the one.

Recently, experts discovered the “filter” in the prefrontal cortex that helps us block out those extraneous stimuli (and, yes, there’s a lot of that in our modern world). It’s the filter that helps us hone in on the person talking to us in a crowded room, that allows us to focus on our task in the midst of a hectic work site, that helps us remain directed on a quick shopping trip instead of getting sucked into every sale display.

As we age, this filter, well, falters. The busier an environment, for example, the harder it is for the brain to resist absorbing the peripheral stuff. We’re, technically speaking, more prone to distraction. Age requires more patience and effort to focus in the midst of mayhem.

There’s an apparent upside to this age-related shift in distractibility, however. One study found that older adults – because of their typical declining pattern in attentional focus – were able to “hyperbind” information – unconsciously integrate “seemingly extraneous co-occurrences” and then consciously find patterns in this information later. As the study leaders noted, this ability can have a substantial – and rich – impact on “real world decision-making.” Because they encode this additional information, older adults have more to go on when making related decisions.

It makes sense, I think. In the “primitive” context, young adults were the doers, the generative group who did the majority of hard physical labor involved in hunting, gathering, building, etc. Focus makes sense in these activities. Older members of the tribe offered leadership and advisory perspective. Wisdom and creativity are honed by seeing the bigger, broader picture, by perceiving and bringing together both the obviously pertinent and, oftentimes, less expected but illuminating aspects of an issue.

Whether we embrace the “silver lining” or not, there’s plenty we can do to fine tune our filters in every life stage. As is nearly always the case, common age related patterns needn’t be absolute destiny. Biology presents the basic content and components behind our abilities, but intention – cultivated – largely determines the precision of their use. The more we challenge the many dimensions of our cognition throughout our lifetime, the more complex – and resilient – it will be. Study authors say the often recommended activities like learning a new language or playing an instrument hones our overall brain function.

Meditation, however, may offer an even more efficient means for “attentional training.” A small study showed that participants who practiced mindful meditation for eight weeks showed more control over their alpha waves, a particular frequency associated with the processing of sensory stimuli – what we feel, see and hear. Other research has confirmed the benefits of meditation for concentration, “executive functioning” like prioritizing and goals setting, and memory performance.

What’s more? Meditation can help the brain de-clutter itself and find clear space again. Given the chance to step back from the frenzy, people plagued by scatteredness realize it’s not really about the tasks themselves (which probably aren’t that different than other people’s to-do lists). Beyond the bustle of the occasional harried day, a scattered mind suggests a deeper disintegration.

Maybe it all started sometime ago in the midst of an overwhelming stretch – the birth of newborn, an insane time at work, the circus of hosting a big holiday. We worked ourselves into a flurry, darting from task to task, letting our thoughts go hog wild jostling for our constant attention. Somewhere along the line we got used to it in a dysfunctional kind of way. It was like it had to be this way. Except it doesn’t.

Meditation can offer the space for a reintegration, a psychic culling of the superfluous and gravitation toward what’s essential. If a scattered mind suggests a random, desperate piecing out of one’s attention, meditation’s core principle – centering – is about reassembling the far-flung parts and ordering them once again.

At the end of the day, it comes down to what your mother always told you: focus on what you’re doing. Shut down the self-talk. Commit to the activity at hand. Beat back the compulsion to check your email yet again. In more meditative terms, observe and let go of each distraction. When you’re out in a busy environment, let yourself hone in by letting the rest dissolve into the peripheral pool. Focus, centeredness – whatever you want to call it – is something to cultivate throughout our lives and something that, in turn, cultivates us.

It’s the state that allows for flow. Sure, not every moment of focus will bring on the rewards of flow, but the simple peace that comes from a slower, more deliberate pace is nothing to shake a stick at either. When the whirling stops and the frenzy dies down, there’s a lot more to appreciate in the moment than we may have noticed before.

Thanks for stopping by today. Let me know your thoughts on living in the “unscattered” moment. Have a great week, everyone!

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